Disneyla, No Wait, Lagoon Retro Diary

I am bringing back the Diary style of writing that was totally stolen from Bill Simmons.

10:55 a.m.- Standing at the ticket window in shock after being told that the day price for our family would be 120 bucks, even after the Mormon discount. (Stake Lagoon Day!) I can only imagine the look on my face. I begin to wonder to myself (and possibly out loud to the 16-year-old ticket-sales-girl) why I am paying so much money when I have an annual pass to Disneyland resting in my pocket?

11:03 a.m.- We bust through the turnstiles and the kids still grab maps. Except, unlike Disneyland, we need these ones. I have no clue where to go or what to ride first. In fact, aside from the Colossus and the White Roller coaster, I am not even sure what the choices are. Other than last years Stake Lagoon Day, my last time in Lagoon was 1993-two years after 'Lagoon: A Beach' opened, and five years after the last known maintenance on the White Roller Coaster.

11:35 a.m.- Grizzly, er...uh... Rattlesnake Rapids. Awesome fun ride, except it smells like the water is used as the monthly shower for half the riders. But, since it’s 100 degrees at Lagoon today, we can look past these minor imperfections that make us wish more and more that Disneyland was closer. I have been in plenty of locker rooms that smelled worse.

12:41 p.m- After reminding ourselves that this isn’t Disneyland, we go to the kids rides area. I looked hard for a name to this area, but there wasn’t one. As the kids are riding the rides that all seem to do the same thing but with different decorations, my mom feels it appropriate to tell me that when I was young my favorite ride was Bulgy the Whale. She also tells me it looked the exact same as it does right now, and probably had the exact same ride operator, only 30 years older. I make my mom pinky swear that she will never tell that story again.

1:14 p.m- My kids sure love the bumper cars. The little kid ones that they can drive all by themselves and no parent is required to be in the car. In fact, one thing I like about Lagoon is that they ban you from certain rides if you are too tall. This saved me from many painful moments today. Still, it’s no Disneyland. Have I said that already? It was especially fun to watch the ride attendant threaten the 3-year-old kids to sit down or he wasn't letting them out of the ride area.

2:01 p.m.- Disney has the Haunted Mansion. Lagoon has the Terror-ride. I am speechless. I got nothin.

2:27 p.m.- I just witnessed two large bolts and several stabilizing crossbeams fall off the White Roller Coaster. Except, I feel bad calling it the “White” Roller Coaster because it hasn’t been painted since my trip here for 9th grade promotion. Seriously, the wood is bare and exposed and I am not sure how I was talked into riding it. It’s more terrifying than having to sit through an episode of “So You Think You Can Dance.”

3:13 p.m- Just got off the Spider. Note to self, do not start out sitting backwards in the Spider ride ever again. Ever. Again.

4:01 p.m.- My Aunt’s husband Gary talked me into riding the Cliffhanger with him. I was scared to death that I was going to puke. My stomach was quickly approaching its Lagoon threshold and I knew it. The Cliffhanger is a ride that goes around in circles, two long benches of people, except the benches can rotate, spin, and tumble however they want. If you look at the picture, I am almost in the middle, in the blue shirt, asking the kids next to me if "this ride hurts?" I only went on it because I temporarily lapsed back to Jr High when he said, “I’ll go if you go.” Maybe it was the fact that I was actually at Lagoon and remembered the days long gone of being 15 years old picking up on cute girls that all ended up being 12?

4:29 p.m- Just got off Wicked. Note to self, "you are 35 years old now, your body is not able to ride Spider, Cliffhanger, and Wicked in succession." Why do they put all these rides next to each other? You almost have no choice. In a related story... There’s practically no line on the Colossus!

4:32 p.m.- No amount of Jr High ribbing could get me on the Colossus. I was done and I knew it.

5:01 p.m.- Just turned down the Wild Mouse. See 4:32 p.m. above. Happily watched the kids on Musical Express. Also, scouted out the three nearest garbage cans, just in case.

6:09 p.m.-Saved by the baby. Someone had to stay behind with Haylee so everyone else could do the Bat, and the Tilt-O-Whirl, and the Rocket. I found myself wishing I had saved myself for the Slingshot.

8:31 p.m- It’s almost dark and getting cooler after a blistering 129 degree Fahrenheit day, so we did what anyone in their dirty, sweaty clothes would do, we rode the Rapids. As much as I have subtly made fun of Lagoon and compared it to the Happiest Place on Earth, these Rattlesnake Rapids are pretty fun. Probably my favorite ride, especially when the sunny side of Mars was colder today. Once again, the whole raft got absolutely soaked. Mission accomplished.

9:00 p.m.- Eli asks what time the fireworks start. A small tear comes to my eye, both in pride and disappointment Proud that my kids are spoiled enough to also compare Lagoon to Disneyland, and sad that there were not actually going to be fireworks.

9:17 p.m.- Dracula’s Castle, the Terror Ride, and one more quick ride on the bumper cars and we are gone like 5 Arby’s regulars. I couldn’t help but think if only we had added 9 hours to our drive we could have been in Disneyland.